Sweet Baby Angel
He’d never wanted to have a child. Hadn’t felt like good enough of a man to produce a smaller, less good-looking, more complicated version of himself. It just wasn’t on his to do list. What was on his to do list was to go and pay the virgin media bill he’d been fobbing off for the past few months. The lads were coming over to watch the match tonight as it was his turn to host, and he couldn’t let them down. Not again. Not the lads. He fucking loved the lads. Not in a funny way or anything, he wasn’t gay, he was just a lads lad. Football, pints and slaying pussy. He and the boys lived for it. But this time, it seemed he had slayed the pussy too far. He had been a silly boy for the past few weeks and had been riding this hot ginger thing without a johnnie. Her pussy just begged you to go in bareback and he couldn’t resist her little smiling cunt now could he.
Ginger Minge - as he had her saved in her phone - was in front of him now, blocking the doorway, not letting him out to pay the virgin media bill, keeping him away from his sworn male duty to shout and scream at a men in shorts kick a ball around a field while other men in too tight jeans and brown ankle boots with no socks shouted and screamed at the screen where the men in the little shorts were running. Ginger Minge - whose name was actually either Anna or Hannah, he wasn’t too sure, but he knew that calling her his “sweet angel baby” got him out of not really knowing her name - was saying something that his brain couldn’t quite get a grasp of. Couldn’t or wouldn’t. Her lips were forming the shape of words he had dreaded all his adult life
“We’re going to be a family Tyler, I’m pregnant”
“So there’s no option of killing it then?”
“What?”
“What?”
“Oh Tyler, I’m so happy!”
She gently grasped his hands and drew him into her chest. His face landed on her “pillowy fucking tits” - as he had once described them to the lads. As he landed there he began to imagine slowly swirling his tongue against her nipples before not so gently indendting his teeth into the soft white skin that surrounded them. Blood rushed to his dick. Just as quickly as he had forgotten the news that she had literally just told him, he remembered again, and the blood rushed back out of his dick and into his knees. He pushed away from her and looked not at her face, but at the place where his face had just been buried. He mourned silently. These beautiful things were now useless to him. They would become two unsexualised sacs of milk to be hogged by a tiny amorphous blob with no clue on the past glory that it would suck the life out of. This, for Tyler, truly was a shitty day.
Tyler, as we are beginning to find out, had had a number of shitty days in the past, and now he had a load more coming up in his future. His brain began racing as fast as the neanderthalic piece of meat in his skull would allow. He was thinking about leaving. About packing up all his stuff - which amounted to two pairs of jizz filled underwear, a graphic novel collection that he kept quiet because he didn’t want anyone to think he was soft, and a Roy Keane 1988 collectable mug. Tyler didn’t have much in this world. But he did have (H)Anna. For now anyway, until she realised what a flaming piece of shit he was and left him for that posh twat that was always eyeing her up at the bar. He made a quick and hasty assessment of the situation, and
“Tyler you haven’t said anything in a while… Are you happy? Do you want to go through this with me?”
“I do.”
“You do? Really?”
“Really, really”
What the fuck am I saying, he was thinking
“It’s a bit of a shock sweet baby angel but I love you and I can’t think of..”
“You love me?”
“Of course”
Of course I fucking dont, he was thinking again, I dont even know your fucking name, what am I saying
“I can’t think of anything else I would rather spend the rest of my life doing”
“Oh Tyler, I love you too… We’re gonna be a family baby”
She once again drew him into her ‘pillowy fucking tits’ and he began to sob softly. What the fuck had he done.
*************
There was only a modicum of patience left in him for the bullshit he had to endure for the past three hours. A fucking lamaze class. He really had, for the most part, stuck with (H)Anna through the pregnancy. He had finally paid his Virgin Media bill, he had to cut down on seeing the lads so much, but on the nights when he could sneak out, they always went to the dicey looking strip club that was just outside of town, and they’d spend their nights eating other guys stale cum out of strippers knickers that were thrown on the floor. On the odd occasion one of these dancers would do a little extra work on the side, and if he was lucky he’d get his dick sucked in an alleyway, or if he was extra lucky, he’d persuade her to bend over the bins and let him put it inside her, just for a minute. But for the most part, he had been with (H)Anna, slowly but surely beginning to resent her and the tiny shitty human she was growing inside her ever increasing belly.
He sat behind her in the class and sighed, as he intook some breath he smelled that stale biscuity odor that she had started to get in the past few months. She was a nice enough girl and in his own fucked up way, he did kinda sorta love her, but if he was ever going to actually leave, he need to start detaching himself from her. So that’s what he did, for the remaining hour of this prenatal bollocks, he destroyed her in his head.
Hair - always slightly greasy, generally lank and wispy like the rest of her oily disposition
Face - prone to sudden bouts of acne, her nose has one of those massive bumps on it and it really fucked with the dimensions of her face. Her eyes were always a bit glassy nowadays and the left one was determined to see if anything was coming up behind her. Her teeth were a mashed up pit of calcium, all defying the laws of gravity, space and time. Her lips had become non-existent slivers of dry chapped pink skin.
Body - This is where she had him, pregnancy or no pregnancy. She was built like a fucking goddess. Pregnancy may have inflated her stomach but it also inflated her tits - and her ankles but you couldn’t see them with the prize jewels in the way. She had the body of a Kardashian, the head of Mickey Rourke, and a personality that was as bland as a Jacobs fucking cream cracker. This was the mother of his child ladies and gentlemen and he had decided that when they left this Lamaze class, he was just going to walk in the other direction and never look back again.
“You ready Ty?”
He fucking hated it when she called him Ty
“Sure am, sweet baby angel”
Hand in hand they strolled out of the door looking like love's young dream. His hand, now sweating profusely, detached itself from hers
“I’ve just gotta run to the shop baby, we’re out of milk”
Before he could even finish his sentence he had spun on his haunches and was absolutely pegging it down the street as fast as his legs could carry him.
“Tyler? Tyler! TYLEERR!!”
He could still hear the reverbartions of his sweet baby angel (H)Anna screaming his name through the door later that evening, when he sloped home with his tail well and truly between his legs. His key didn’t even get a chance to turn in the door before the thing was nearly ripped off of its hinges, what stood before him was no longer a sweet baby angel, but instead a flaming and fuming form of fury swathed in sweat.
“I’m having the fucking baby”
“Well of course you are sweet..
“Don’t you fucking dare Tyler”
“Can I come in? Please? I love you.”
“I’m having the fucking baby now Tyler, I’m fucking crowning and the midwife can’t fucking make it and you need to help me”
“But.. I can’t.. Shouldn’t we…”
“Stop sputtering you illiterate fuck. You put this thing inside of me, you can fucking help get it out”
Tyler walked like a man in a nightmare to where his not so sweet baby angel had crumpled on the floor, legs splayed, and gutterally moaning like a demon in heat. He followed her instructions and took position at the foot of her knees. He couldn’t bear himself to
“LOOK AT IT TYLER, YOU CAN’T DELIVER THIS BABY IF YOU DON’T FUCKING LOOK AT IT”
He swallowed the ever rising bile that was making its way up his throat and forced himself to look at it. It was worse than he could imagine. Her moans became roars as she quivered and pushed his worst decision out of her once beautifully ripe cunt. The child somewhat slipped out of her bleeding cavern and into his hands. He felt no love, he felt, instead, a seething animosity. His hands grasped the tiny writhing creature by its head and slowly but surely began to apply pressure to it.
“Tyler give me the baby, I want to see the baby”
The pressure he was applying grew steadily. He wanted to squelch this baby's head like an orange.
“Tyler, give me the fucking baby”
More pressure still, he could feel the tender soft bones bending under the weight of his hands. Just as he thought he could take away the source of his discomfort, sweet baby angel launched herself at him in a flurry of claws and teeth. She was a lioness and she would stop at nothing to protect her cub. She removed the baby from his grasp and placed him in a swathe of blankets that had been laid nearby. Then she leapt at Tyler again, placenta sliding down her thighs, and latched onto him. Her fingers dug into the recesses of his skin, her teeth enclosed around the soft delicate part of his neck, and unlike him, she did not gently apply pressure. She fucking bet into him with every ounce of her being. Tyler, not one for being a pussy, and realising that his life might actually be on the line here began to fight back. He took the palm of his hand and began ramming into the side of her head, he shoved his knee into her already delicate cunt and another demonic sound was released from her. The two spent some time tussling and tumbling around, tearing literal chunks from eachother all while their teeny tiny human sat in the corner slowly turning blue.
